Sunday, 19 December 2010

No let up

I'm huddled up on the settee under your little duvet, with a stinking headache.

It's been a busy weekend, exacerbated by appalling weather conditions which have seen one of the street lamps on our road felled by an errant car and left me relying on every last shred of driving talent to avoid binning the little red car on the way to Tesco. I am shot to pieces now.

The Carol service this afternoon was difficult. As ever behind the camera in addition to musical responsibilities, it brought a lump to my throat watching the children with whom you were until lately attending 'mini praise' singing 'Away in a Manger' without you.

It's at such times when instinct tells me I am a father and then the realisation that the facts are now otherwise slaps me in the face.

I am reaching the conclusion that our enforced separation is worse than a bereavement - not least because this is all so cruel and yet so utterly needless.

Beyond that, it is so very difficult to get on with life as there is never any closure for 'we that are left', nor will we rest over the years ahead. We are determined that you will know the truth, that your Daddy loves and misses you. We owe you that.

Neither, it is becoming painfully clear, will Mummy rest until she has destroyed any prospect of me ever being in your life again.

We arrived home yesterday to a familiar standard form letter with a Belfast postmark - the vultures from the CSA are once again circling over the carcass of a father and son's relationship.

In the week after she was awarded an order which despite destroying me stipulated that she must facilitate contact between us, Mummy has been silent towards me on that score.

She has, however, already found the time to contact the CSA to tell them you won't be seeing me and to ask them to squeeze an extra £7 a week out of me.

That sums up how evil your Mummy is. There is no other word for a woman who behaves like that.

We feel so very sorry for her - such inhuman acts betray someone who has deep-seated problems which remain unaddressed for as long as the courts pipe to her tune.

It is very hard to forgive someone for something so profoundly awful when they are still doing it - and not just to you. One day you, as a man, will face the challenge of doing that for yourself.

Unlike, say, Gordon Wilson, who famously forgave his daughter's killers in the Enniskillen bombing, I can't say that nothing can bring you back, because many things patently could. Being angry about all this is therefore rather more logical, because I dare not ever become numbed to what continues to be done to children like you and families like ours when there remains the opportunity to fight for justice and save the children and families of the future from pain and suffering.

Scripture teaches us that Jesus himself showed anger when he turned over the tables in the synagogue, and yet days later as they were crucifying him, he pleaded 'Father, forgive'

It is therefore important that all of those of us wronged with you be not only 'as cunning as serpents' (Matt 10:16, ISV) in challenging evil, but continue to pray for reconciliation and brighter days ahead - for everyone.

That way, I pray that none of us may be chewed up and spat out by our own rancour, but may do right by you and by God.

Love from Daddy.

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